Italian Jokes

Sharing Italian jokes with your friends, along side an amazing Italian pasta recipe that you made yourself, is a great way to enjoy amazing food, wine and laughter with the people you care about. And it’s the best recipe for creating lasting memories. That's what life is all about in any culture and Italians know how to serve it up right. When I was a kid I remember sitting around the weekend dinner table with Dad cooking up his best Italian pasta recipes. We always had guests over and lots of them. Everybody would drink Italian wine and eat Italian cheeses, talking and most importantly, laughing. It was one of the ways we shared our love. Dinner started at 3pm and went on till way after midnight. Dad was not only an amazing chef but could bring anyone to tears with laughter with his silly jokes. I want to share some corny, ridiculous and sometimes even humorous Italian food jokes so you can tell them to your guests as you serve them your favorite Italian pasta recipe. Please keep in mind as you read these that they are meant to be delivered in humor and not to offend anyone or their cultures.

Now pour yourself a glass of wine and enjoy the laughter!

Three Cooks Italian Jokes #1

Three cooks, one from Greece, one from Italy and one from Britain were sitting on a park bench passing the time.
Suddenly, the cook from Greece reaches under the bench and drags out a new bottle of Ouzo, takes a big swig, tosses the bottle into the air and shoots the bottle on the way down.
"What did you do that for?" asks the cook from Italy.
"We have lots of Ouzo in Greece" he replied.
The cook from Britain takes out a bottle of beer, takes a huge swig, throws the bottle into the air and shoots the bottle on the way down.
"What did you do that for?" asks the cook from Italy.
"We have lots of beer in Britain" was the reply.
The cook from Italy takes out a bottle of Barolo wine, takes a enormous swig and shoots the cook from England.
"What did you do that for?" asks the cook from Greece.
"We have lots of British in Italy!”

An Italian Man Chooses a Spouse Italian Jokes #2

       An Italian man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely Italian women. He gives each Italian woman a present of $500 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The Italian man was very impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the Italian man gifts. She gets him a new Italian suit, some new shoes for his Italian suit, and an expensive Italian tie. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the Italian man is impressed.

The third Italian woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $500. She gives him back his $500 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the Italian man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.

A Mexican, An Italian & and a Pole

One day there was three roof fixers on a roof, a Mexican man, an Italian man and a Polish man and they were eating their lunch.

The Mexican man had tacos,

The Italian man had pasta,

and the Polish man had a ham and cheese sandwich.
The Mexican guy said, "If I have tacos again tomorrow I will jump off this roof.
"The Italian guy said, "If I get pasta again tomorrow I will jump off this roof.
"The Polish man said, "If I have a ham and cheese sandwich again tomorrow I will jump off this roof."

----- The Next Day ----

All three guys looked in their lunch pail. Sure enough the Mexican had tacos, the Italian guy had pasta and the Polish guy had ham and cheese sooooo...

they all jumped off the roof and they all died.

---- At their funeral ----

The Mexican's wife said crying, "If he did not want tacos, he should of told me!

"The Italian's wife said crying, "If he did not want pasta he should of told me!

"The Pole's wife said crying, "Don't look at me I don't make his lunch! He makes his own.”

By Asia on

Antipasta Italian Jokes #3

If you ate pasta and antipasta at the same time would you still be hungry?

Italian Food Italian Jokes #4

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again!

Using You Noodle Italian Jokes #5

Sometimes when I’m bored I’ll make some spaghetti just to PASTA the time away. Now that’s using my noodle.

An Italian Dinner So Good It Could Kill You Italian Jokes #6

Joe prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about the spoilage but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local poison control center and voiced his concern. They advised Joey to boil the sauce again.
That night the phone rang during dinner and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Joey’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the poison control center. They want to know how the spaghetti turned out.”

Love and Pasta Italian Jokes #7

A newly-wed couple is sitting at the dinner table together and the husband looks down at his plate. His wife made pasta for the 3rd time this week. The husband is kind of slowly picking at his plate.
The wife asked, “Do you love me?”
The husband replies, “Yes, I do! You have been asking me that everyday since we got married. But you’ve never asked me if I love the spaghetti!”

This will terrorize you Italian Jokes #8

Al-Qaeda has hidden bombs in tiny tin cans of alphabet spaghetti. If they go off they could spell disaster.

Newly-Weds Italian Jokes #9

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian woman she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother.
"This is a job for Mama!"

An American Diet Italian Jokes #10

For those of you concerned about eating too many carbs in your diet here’s a word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all these conflicting nutritional studies.

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink whatever you’d like. Apparently it’s speaking english is what’s killing you.

Another Pasta Diet Italian Jokes #11

It’s an Italian diet that really works!!!
  1. You walka pasta da bakery.
  2. You walka pasta da candy store.
  3. You walka pasta da ice cream shop.
  4. You walka pasta da table
  5. You walka pasta da fridge
You will losa da weight.
Now that’s a funnya joka.

Knock, Knock Italian Jokes #12

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Pasta who?
Pasta the salt please.

Spaghetti and Meatballs Italian Jokes #13

An Italian man was having an affair with his neighbor. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the neighbor a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, " Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the neighbor took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the Italian man's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The Italian man said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the Italian man came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked told the medic that she handed her husband a post card he received from Italy. The card said,
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Wedding Cake Italian Jokes #14

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience at a health seminar. "The material we call food that we put into our stomachs today is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. macaroni is fattening, vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it at one point in our lives. Can anyone here tell me what food produces the most long term damage to us even years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old Italian man in the front row stood up and said, "It'sa d' Weddinga cake"

Why So Many Tony’s? Italian Jokes #15

Question: Why do so many Italian men have the name TONY?
Answer: Because when they came over in the boat from Italy, they had a stamp in the passport that said, "TO NY". (To New York)

Don't mess with the Guido Italian pigs! Italian Jokes #16

Once upon a time, there were 3 Italian pigs. Giancarlo, the owner of a straw house, Antonio, the owner of a stick house, and Guido, the owner of a brick house.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to Giancarlo's house and said, "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house 
down." And he did!
So Giancarlo went running over to Antonio's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!"
So Antonio let Giancarlo in.
Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!" And he did!
Antonio and Giancarlo went running over to Guido's house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!"
So Guido let them in.
The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, Giancarlo and Antonio were scared! But Guido picked up the phone and called a friend.
All of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living stuffing out of him and left him there on the side of the road, got back into their limo, and drove off.

From the Heavens Italian Joke #17

An Italian man walking along the beach on a warm summer evening in Amalfi and was deep in prayer. He looked up to the skies and yelled out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been a loyal and good servant to me and you had enough desire to ask, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, "Build a bridge from here to Sicily so I can drive over anytime I want to and visit my family.”
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

To Become an American Italian Joke #18

An Italian man immigrates to the United States of America and moves in with some distant relatives in Altoona, PA. They tell him he should apply for citizenship and they will help him study for the test. They go over all the American history from the revolutionary war to present day.
Finally, he feels he has enough knowledge to pass the test so he sets an appointment.
He walks into the testing room and the agent giving the test thought he would have a bit of fun, so he said to the man "We have a very simple test for you today. If you can use three English words in one sentence, you will be granted citizenship! The words are green, pink and yellow.
The Italian man thought for several minutes and finally said "O.K., I think I can do that”
Than he said "I hearda the telephone go green, green, green, so I pink it uppa and I say yellow - who is this."

Vivere, Amare, Ridere e Mangiare Bene
Live, Love, Laugh and Eat Well!
Kira Volpi

Do you have a joke to share? Just like these Italian jokes I will post it right here on this site for a whole page dedicated to you.

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